shortform

note 120

if i had a million dollars for every time i was at the gym and some guy on the treadmill kept squeaking his shoes on the non-moving front part every step but didn’t notice because he was listening to death metal, i’d be rich!

note 119

it’s my birthday so i don’t have to pay taxes

note 118

never, EVER look a gift giraffe in the mouth

note 117

i heard they were going to release the very first ‘wise phone’

note 116

is ‘nutted’ proper AP style guide terminology

note 115

a broken compass is always right if you’re exactly at magnetic north

note 113

on every president’s first day in the White House they have to learn where all the booby traps are

note 114

does anyone know kermit the frogs email address

note 112

baby carrots? sorry, i don’t eat those. i only eat Man Carrots

note 111

would you rather be the handle of a spatula or the flippy part of a spatula

ambient plane beats to study and relax to

with cooper

ambient plane beats but you can't study or relax to them

with cooper

note 110

i am a member of an organization

note 109

Breaking: Not To Be Outdone By Beto O’Rourke, Bernie Sanders Answers First Question Of Debate In Hebrew

note 108

youd think by now they wouldve figured out how to make the windows on airplanes line up with the seats

note 107

i heard that the true meaning of christmas is in a vault in atlanta and for years they’ve just been disseminating fakes

note 106

one time i read a book called “i think my dad is an alien”, which achieved moderate success here but has been largely ignored by aliens for having a boring premise

note 105

the year is 2019 and 202/365 and we still have not abolished mixed numbers. what is happening to our society

note 104

i would go off the grid, but i don’t think i’m ready to give up my electric toothbrush

note 103

you have been DENIED entry to the swag zone. better luck next time, kid.