notes

note 541

you better watch out bitch. i just got +1/+1 and trample until end of turn

note 540

oho—your cage hasn’t but a fraction the beauty and splendor of mine!

note 539

(getting fired) this could have been an email.

note 538

i’ve been preparing to be 23 my whole life

not 537

my contributions to science have gone unnoticed due to their unimportance and dubious veracity

note 536

sex criminals sound like they should be cooler than other criminals, but actually they are much less cool

note 535

in court, the next worst thing after a death sentence is a life sentence

note 534

i refuse to clip my toenails until we do something about gun violence in this country

note 533

some of you wouldn’t last a minute inside my murder chamber

note 532

i promise! i was sitting there and the eschaton just immanentized itself!

note 531

wow “the exception that proves the rule.” i guess everything just proves the rule huh

note 530

the solar plexus wins my award for body part that sounds most like a wrestling move

note 529

i couldn’t help but notice your various imperfections

note 528

fact of the matter is, if you are hanging out and someone tosses a ball or a pillow to someone else, that object will get tossed around for another 3 to 10 more minutes.

note 527

the garlic community has been shocked by what some are calling “the clove of the century”

note 526

does anyone have some spare essence of bug. i need to make a potion

note 525

life got this bitch reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

note 523

not impressed when someone tells me their ribs fall off the bone. like ok yours dont know how to balance. whatever

note 524

Q: What kind of yogurt do gorillas eat?

note 522

“her bark is worse than her bite,” she said.

then the dog shot me with a gun.