home / other

2021.07.08 • tweet

(band t-shirt) if you mess with the tuba section, you get the horns

2021.07.06 • tweet

being at the North Pole is hard mode for Ramadan

2021.07.04 • tweet

methamphetamines are legal and very healthy. i am a lawyer and a doctor, and this is both legal and medical advice

2021.07.02 • tweet

in case bouncers don't believe my fake ID, i have a fake birth certificate to corroborate

2021.06.30 • tweet

going to stop calling people 'out of my league,' now that i have been called up to the Major League of Being Hot

2021.06.28 • tweet

"I Am Malala" is cool but the main character seems like sort of a self insert...

2021.06.26 • tweet

when the temperature hits 100 degrees in Seattle, the forecasters say, "Warning: Excessive Heat." when it hits 100 in Phoenix, they say, "Warning: You Live In Arizona"

2021.06.25 • tweet

when im president, the only requirement for trans men to have their gender officially recognized will be to solemnly swear to uphold the Bro Code

2021.06.24 • tweet

if you read the first letter of every question on the SAT, it spells out a riddle, and if you get the riddle right they give you a full ride to Harvard immediately

2021.06.23 • tweet

ppl really out here in 2021 writing songs that don't rhyme 😂🤣

2021.06.22 • tweet

can the mods of /r/thanksobama reopen the sub? i just thought of a good one

2021.06.21 • tweet

i'm writing a new thinkpiece. it's like the 95 Theses but for capitalism

2021.06.20 • tweet

iif your city's sports teams lose enough games, it gets renamed to Bitchtown until they start winning again

2021.06.18 • tweet

if i had a time machine, i would go to 2013 and slow-motion tackle my earlier self in the moments just before posting cringe

2021.06.17 • tweet

the US Bureau of Indian Affairs has found a loophole in their treaties where, instead of returning actual land rights, they return an NFT of the land rights instead

2021.06.16 • tweet

seeing 1 spider: chill, go get em champ. seeing 2 spiders: who are you and what do you want from me

2021.06.13 • tweet

what do fish need bones for. theyre in water. just like, flop around

2021.06.11 • tweet

i recorded the Super Bowl because i was busy that day. going to watch it now and see who won

2021.06.10 • tweet

can i get one of those big covers they drape on you when you get a haircut, but as street wear


off-by-one errors in programming are cliché. i would only be off by three or more, if i made such an error

2021.06.05 • tweet

when i play "She loves me, she loves me not", i always make sure to pick a flower with an odd number of petals. this is what i call "gaming the system"

2021.06.03 • tweet

happy hour is cool but can we maybe make the happiness a bit longer

2021.06.01 • tweet

cream could have been labeled '35% milk'

2021.05.29 • tweet

i have gamified remembering my schedule by turning my calendar into a sporcle quiz

2021.05.27 • tweet

(me, after naming my kid Damien Jr) "please, Damien is my son. you can call me Mr. Snyder"

2021.05.20 • tweet

the army could save a lot of money if they stopped buying so many tanks and guns

2021.05.15 • tweet

we always call them "t-r-e-a-t"s in my household, unless we don't want the dog to understand, then we call them treats

2021.05.11 • tweet

one of my hobbies is buying ice cream from the grocery store

2021.05.07 • tweet

(going to jail in 2027) "Your personal liberties account has been terminated due to a violation of the United States Terms of Service (USToS). Please see our FAQ for more information."

2021.05.01 • tweet

2001: A Space Odyssey and 1984 are set in the past now. that is why i would only set a story in a time that will never become the past, like 2046

2021.04.26 • tweet

what is a good way to get a lot of social validation

2021.04.25 • tweet

Carnegie Mellon University is named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon. seems like they should have named it Andrew University

2021.04.22 • tweet

i'm a gnelf you've been gnelfed

2021.04.18 • tweet

going to get vaccinated and not move my arm around at all afterwards. who can stop me

2021.04.12 • tweet

new olympic race: there is no finish line. if you get lapped, you're out of the race. last one standing wins

2021.04.11 • tweet

a good question to ask on a first date is "describe your utility function in three sentences or less." this helps you see if you are compatible without getting bogged down in the details

2021.04.09 • tweet

easiest way to activate my fight or flight response is to get a call and your ringtone is the same sound effect as my morning alarm. I Am Not Asleep, and I Must Wake Up

2021.04.03 • tweet

winning a gaming match is pretty passion fruit orange and guava, if you ask me

2021.04.02 • tweet

every section of a newspaper is the gossip section

2021.03.29 • tweet

never consume, it makes cons out of u and me

2021.03.21 • tweet

the only norm is no norms

2021.03.19 • tweet

dude how many senators do u think floss

2021.03.11 • tweet

how do they slaughter eggs without cracking the shells

2021.03.10 • tweet

You've degraded yourself, and poisoned the discourse :)


lettuce rhymes with Kentucky

2021.03.03 • tweet

the US is the only country with .gov domains, so really all the other governments are fakes

2021.03.01 • tweet

in the uk they call it Goghurt

2021.02.28 • tweet

my acceptance speech: "this recognition is great, but something more important needs to be recognized. they call this award show the Golden Globes, but the globe in today's world is Not golden. together, we can change that"

2021.02.22 • tweet

USDC is going to spike any day now

2021.02.21 • tweet

a baker's dozen is 13, but a faker's dozen is 11

2021.02.18 • tweet

when i was 8 i sat down at the computer, selected the lightning bolt page border style, and thought "i am going to write a novel in the SECOND person"

2021.02.18 • tweet

need to make some more real life friends to boost my follower count

2021.02.17 • tweet

creating a new Easter mascot that's a big egg with eyes. his name is Martin Egg

2021.02.14 • tweet

happy pi minus one day

2021.02.12 • tweet

if a tree falls in a forest and no one observes it, it exhibits quantum interference on its way to the ground

2021.02.10 • tweet

power is not only a fantasy

2021.02.09 • tweet

as it turns out, doing an unboxing livestream costs a lot of money

2021.02.07 • tweet

the two biggest cities in Missouri are both on its borders. basically the closest you can get to not being in Missouri. and can you blame them

2021.02.07 • tweet

the past tense of wake is wook

2021.02.04 • tweet

twitter's new policy to improve engagement: after 24 hours without visiting the site your account has a 1% chance of being permanently deleted

2021.02.02 • tweet

games would make more money if they included megatransactions instead

2021.02.01 • tweet

The Old English alphabet included the letters thorn (þ), eth (ð), wynn (ƿ), yogh (ȝ), and ash (æ). In the last thousand years we have only gotten rid of the letters with the coolest names. When will this backslide stop

2021.01.29 • tweet

in golf, your score gets worse every time you take a stroke. this is the game subtly reminding you that it was a mistake to play golf in the first place

2021.01.28 • tweet

i get out of bed spry and cheery every day, ready to go out and improve some Health Outcomes

2021.01.26 • tweet

when i verify online that i'm over 18, it's true now, but it still feels like a lie

2021.01.25 • tweet

i need some good friends... like, friends that will do anything for you... like, the kind of friends that will lie in court for you... like, even if it's morally questionable, they will perjure themselves for you... i need this kind of friend by the 11th

2021.01.18 • tweet

(me, living in doha, qatar) "man, this place is awesome! i love all the GDP/capita!"

2021.01.13 • tweet

bolted my mouse upside down to the desk and now i just move the mousepad on top of it

2021.01.10 • tweet

a post-hocracy is when you do whatever you want and afterward decide what form of government it was

2021.01.09 • tweet

many respected figures are "tough but fair"... i strive to be "tough"

2021.01.07 • tweet

walking around a party thinking "wow i'm gaining so much social capital right now"

2021.01.04 • tweet

are there evidence based interventions to make you more of a go getter

2020.12.31 • tweet

i havent seen 2021 yet don't spoil it for me

2020.12.26 • tweet

if you don't donate genetic material you're not a true Effective Altruist

2020.12.24 • tweet

unabbreviate brony to "brother pony"

2020.12.22 • tweet

tactical voting is possible in ranked-choice but is not a problem because no one knows how to do it

2020.12.18 • tweet

are there evidence based interventions to make you more of a go getter

2020.12.17 • tweet

i get where they were going with it, but the series should have ended after Zero Dark Fourteen

2020.12.15 • tweet

it took me a while to realize i'd actually bought a Toffee machine, but now i love it! my friends tell me i'm not very perceptive

2020.12.14 • tweet

aesthetic: life satisfaction

2020.12.07 • tweet

excess deaths don't tell you everything. covid numbers are higher than they seem due to the reduced rate of sidewalk-crack accidents

2020.12.05 • tweet

for every hour i spend optimizing my website to make it run better on mobile, thirty other developers are intentionally making their company's mobile pages harder to use so you'll download the app

2020.12.04 • tweet

i have heard the phrase "dollars to donuts" multiple times lately, is this the exchange rate for some new cryptocurrency

2020.11.29 • tweet

do liberals realize that Saturday Night Live is an anagram for Saturday Night EVIL??

2020.11.13 • tweet

moved 2 the swamp a couple years ago. sad to learn that swamp politics are dominated by the capital of the swamp. when will anyone think of the outskirts of the swamp

2020.11.12 • tweet

BREAKING: woman who claims to have grown a bunch with record number of bananas on it revealed to have glued 14 bananas on by hand


athenian plays not showing violence onstage because "it's obscene" is an awfully convenient excuse for "we can't afford special effects"


i started using the unix time at update release to version my software package, but i'm realizing this may not be a sustainable solution in 20 years


a more apt name for pangram would be 'pangramqwetyuiosdfhjklzxcvb'

2020.10.25 • tweet

(me doin a good thing) "man! my BSR [bird to stone ratio] is off the charts today"

2020.10.15 • tweet

calling someone a snack is a complement, but it gets dicey if you're too specific about it. what i'm saying is, sorry to the person i compared to a bag of Trader Joe's Pringles

2020.10.14 • tweet

they should ask Jo Jorgensen whether she'll concede the election if she loses

2020.10.12 • tweet

if you answer questions badly so they don't select you for jury duty, they will write down your name. if you get tried yourself, they know your peers are the least appealing jury candidates available

2020.10.09 • tweet

Esnx hinyfr paebqqff:

Gnmvm cpi sud akkowam gx hss chx zmywmsgzqz. Detsq uz gqys wazqzgwug, jk'p tkof hb xqkqqnsaj fpg jpzyuiqpk iofnfiiw.




2020.10.07 • tweet

evade data collectors by encrypting your communications. vigenere cipher for my next tweet is BONGMICE

2020.10.06 • tweet

fantasy authors make up place names that mean things like "Home of the Broad-Necked Eagles," which is cool but a more realistic meaning would be something like "it means Big Town but in a different language"

2020.09.26 • tweet

u know she freaky if she got that vagina dentata

2020.09.19 • tweet

disappointing to watch my brethren unwittingly hasten their doom. fools, the lot of them! i hasten mine wittingly

2020.09.11 • tweet

this water is gonna leave my body ASAP! (As Soon As Pissable)

2020.09.10 • tweet

standing desks too expensive? just put your keyboard and monitor on springs

2020.09.08 • tweet

sad to see that Fake Crime podcasting never really took off

2020.09.05 • tweet

we live in the information age, which is just wonderful for an information lover such as myself

2020.09.03 • tweet

if you can't tell two twins apart, call them both by the same name so you're guaranteed to get one of them right

2020.09.01 • tweet

in 2021 FitBit's releasing a new watch that can say "They'll have the salad" if you go to a restaurant without taking enough steps that day

2020.08.29 • tweet

having beliefs is the first step toward being wrong

2020.08.28 • tweet

my dog would beg to eat rat poison if she heard me cutting it up

2020.08.26 • tweet

noticing COVID-19 cases tend to dip on Saturday and Sunday.... if we can expand the weekend to three, four, or even five days, we can really start to get a handle on things

2020.08.21 • tweet

the amount of responsibility i take for a decision is directly proportional to the amount of cells i still have from when i made it

2020.08.20 • tweet

ALWAYS check for peas under your mattress. you never know when it will pay off

2020.08.16 • tweet

for halloween i'm going as the abstract concept of suffering

2020.08.11 • tweet

2020 has overall been a big win for the butterfly effect

2020.08.10 • tweet

why does everyone debate what the best form of government is... it is utopia

2020.08.10 • tweet

how much do i have to pay for furniture that hangs from the ceiling

2020.08.04 • tweet

if the Library of Babel starts filing copyright claims it's all over

2020.08.01 • tweet

there's erotic fanfiction of everything these days. you ever read "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Suck"?

2020.07.29 • tweet

the better prank would be if the bitcoin scammers doubled everyone's money eventually

2020.07.26 • tweet

haha yeah, everyone in my family burns pretty eas—

Ohhh, you mean sunburn

2020.07.21 • tweet

the trouble with refrigerators is that the stuff you eat least stays in the longest

2020.07.19 • tweet

been reading some studies and i'm gonna hold off on turning 20 for a while. just not a good time to join the 20-39 age bracket

2020.07.11 • tweet

kids should have to learn philosophy and critical thinking in high school. i never took those, but people need them just to get on my level tbh

2020.07.09 • tweet

my creme brulee recipe is divine. the secret? half a tablespoon of natural and artificial flavors

2020.07.03 • tweet

heard they're making a new superhero that makes villains into better people instead of fighting them

2020.07..3 • tweet

me in ireland: this is rotten. i'm stuck in gaol. but who will pay my baol?

2020.06.27 • tweet

the world would be so much more peaceful if everyone still used binkies

2020.06.26 • tweet

tan lines? ewwww! i rock a tan gradient

2020.06.24 • tweet

when are they gonna come out with Fireboy and Watergirl: Game of the Year Edition

2020.06.20 • tweet

99.99% of people throughout history have beliefs fundamentally incompatible with my own. probably cause they're idiots who can't think properly, lol

2020.06.13 • tweet

you can save on health insurance if you back up your body parts to the cloud

2020.06.10 • tweet

the US Constitution but every time it says "shall" the font gets 10% bigger

2020.06.08 • tweet

they discovered a prime number with 24 million digits. that's pretty impressive, but they could be finding much longer ones if they switched to base 2

2020.06.07 • tweet

any desk is a standing desk if you are small enough

2020.06.05 • tweet

new show on MTV: "My Rewarding Profession"

2020.06.02 • tweet

there's not a bone in my body

2020.05.28 • tweet

is it legal to microwave fruit

2020.05.26 • tweet

you'll never guess who i'm cosplaying as for BitsyCon (Itsy Bitsy Spider Convention)

2020.05.23 • tweet

big fan of reading the list of ingredients on food and it takes pains to tell me that each individual ingredient is organic. yes, even the Organic Distilled Vinegar

2020.05.22 • tweet

seeing You Are Here on a map and thinking, "Huh, i really am"

2020.05.09 • tweet

the year is 2046. children hoverboard 2 feet to school, downhill both ways, with bags full of helium

2020.05.07 • tweet

going to found an organization dedicated to tracking Richard Stallman's browsing history and nobody else's

2020.05.05 • tweet

someone called me a "Valued Customer" today!! :D people are so nice

2020.04.29 • tweet

"my love for you went viral" from Drive By has to be one of the most 2012 lyrics of all time

2020.04.23 • tweet

ok, crop circles may have been a hoax, but crop QR codes are aliens, i'm serious this time

2020.04.21 • tweet

i sleep LOOSE

2020.04.14 • tweet

if you want to go back in time 10 years just look at the website of a small governmental organization

2020.04.12 • tweet

i can think of about four place names less creative than Oceania

2020.03.28 • tweet

when i say "thank you" to my voice assistant, how do i get it to say "No, thank You" every time in response

2020.03.22 • tweet

electric car parking lot slogan: "We charge it for you and then charge you for it"

2020.03.18 • tweet

Q: What is the difference between a petrochemical engineer and a small pepperoni pizza?

A: A petrochemical engineer can feed a family of four.

2020.03.16 • tweet

now, i don't condone violence, but i must note that by far the best vegetable for pummeling one's foes is the humble Squash.

2020.03.10 • tweet

have the croatoan mystery people ever considered that maybe the tree just grew like that?

2020.03.01 • tweet

girl scouts who don't take venmo aren't even trying tbh

2020.03..31 • tweet

got some Blaze Rods in minecraft which is pretty 420 imo

2020.03..3 • tweet

are there deep dream algorithms for people who like anything that is not dogs and eyeballs

2020.02.27 • tweet

so hard to get good wort these days

2020.02.25 • tweet

i would photosynthesize for myself but it's cheaper to outsource it

2020.02.23 • tweet

one of my hobbies is Holding A Mirror Up To Society

2020.02.22 • tweet

take your funk playing to a new level with Spank Bass technique

2020.02.17 • tweet

New CDC exercise guidelines: "please, anything, we're begging you"

2020.02.14 • tweet

the new trendy baby name for is Jar Jar

2020.02.11 • tweet

nowadays you have to get car insurance insurance, for if you forget to buy car insurance but you drive a car anyway

2020.01.25 • tweet

the world's oldest profession is actually banker. look it up

2020.01.25 • tweet

happy birthday! i got you an extra special gift. ...that's right, it's stock options from my startup

2020.01.19 • tweet

the michelin man is named bibendum. i am not making this up

2020.01.12 • tweet

scientists are devising new colors of orange juice in colors that are not orange

2020.01.08 • tweet

air mattresses are nice but when are we going to get other air furniture

2019.12.28 • tweet

if i name my son Damian do i have to put a Jr at the end

2019.12.24 • tweet

the naughty and nice list are just constructs of the ruling class designed to keep us divided so we never realize the common enemy

2019.12.16 • tweet

i am on the keta diet. that means only ketamine, all the time

2019.12.15 • tweet

the purpose of humanity was to invent the treadmill. now that we've done that, we're pretty much done

2019.12.08 • tweet

the word fart is funny but the word 'far' is funnier. shorter, snappier, has better comedic punch

2019.12.07 • tweet

i like how, to distinguish them from recycling, some trash bins now have pictures of trash bins on them

2019.12.05 • tweet

how come directors never make cameos in pornos

2019.12.01 • tweet

any attempt to blow up the grand canyon can only make it grander

2019.11.26 • tweet

i heard the next generation of smartphones will be microwave safe

2019.11.14 • tweet

as a clothing item, flu shot band-aids are kinda hot

2019.11.10 • tweet

fuck, i forgot how to ride a bicycle

2019.11.05 • tweet

when are they gonna invent automatic toilets that work in the dark

2019.11.01 • tweet

excited for daylight savings time because my broken clock is gonna get to be right 3 times in a day

2019.10.26 • tweet

me rubbing cream on my skin: "ah, topical"

2019.10.20 • tweet

me as toddler when mom feeds me: 'whats the deal with food airplane'

2019.10.10 • tweet

welcome to my orchestra auditions, i will be judging you solely on how fast you can play Flight of the Bumblebee

2019.10.09 • tweet

one of my hobbies is failing the turing test

2019.10.08 • tweet

i have decided to replace abcd order in lists with an alternate system, because :) smiley face, ;) winky face, and 8) coolguy

2019.10.05 • tweet

me explaining to TSA the importance of my unusual comfort animal: "the oyster is my world"

2019.10..3 • tweet

if halloween were on october 26th it would be a garbage tier holiday. 96% of the mystique, gone, like that

2019.09.29 • tweet

Interview: 34-Year-Old Financial Journalist Unable To Say "Alphabet" Without Compulsively Prefacing It With "Google's Parent Company" (read more)

2019.09.13 • tweet

starting a psychedelic rock back called Run DMT

2019.09.12 • tweet

step 2. world domination

2019.09.11 • tweet

if i had a million dollars for every time i was at the gym and some guy on the treadmill kept squeaking his shoes on the non-moving front part every step but didn't notice because he was listening to death metal, i'd be rich!

2019.09.04 • tweet

it's my birthday so i don't have to pay taxes

2019.08.26 • tweet

never, EVER look a gift giraffe in the mouth

2019.08.24 • tweet

i heard they were going to release the very first 'wise phone'

2019.08.11 • tweet

is 'nutted' proper AP style guide terminology

2019.08.10 • tweet

a broken compass is always right if you're exactly at magnetic north

2019.08.09 • tweet

does anyone know kermit the frogs email address

2019.08.09 • tweet

on every president's first day in the White House they have to learn where all the booby traps are

2019.08.05 • tweet

baby carrots? sorry, i don't eat those. i only eat Man Carrots

2019.08.04 • tweet

would you rather be the handle of a spatula or the flippy part of a spatula

2019.07.29 • tweet

youd think by now they wouldve figured out how to make the windows on airplanes line up with the seats

2019.07.28 • tweet

i heard that the true meaning of christmas is in a vault in atlanta and for years they've just been disseminating fakes

2019.07.27 • tweet

one time i read a book called "i think my dad is an alien", which achieved moderate success here but has been largely ignored by aliens for having a boring premise

2019.07.21 • tweet

the year is and 202/365 and we still have not abolished mixed numbers. what is happening to our society

2019.07.15 • tweet

i would go off the grid, but i don't think i'm ready to give up my electric toothbrush

2019.07.09 • tweet

you have been DENIED entry to the swag zone. better luck next time, kid.

2019.07.04 • tweet

fireworks are interesting because there aren't too many other things advertised as "illegal

2019.07.03 • tweet

one word horror story:


2019.07..31 • tweet

i am a member of an organization

2019.07..3 • tweet

Breaking: Not To Be Outdone By Beto O'Rourke, Bernie Sanders Answers First Question Of Debate In Hebrew

2019.06.19 • tweet

if they don't stop making sunscreen sticks look so much like glue sticks, i'm gonna accidentally eat some one of these days

2019.06.17 • tweet

i didn't want to do that to you, but look, if you mess with the toilet you get the shit

2019.06.13 • tweet

there is an episode of Magic School Bus where arnold eats too many carrots and his skin turns orange, and if you don't think i remember that episode every time i eat carrots, you are dead wrong

2019.06.10 • tweet

"You miss 100% of the shots you take."

—Wayne Gretsky, to his teammate Risto Jalo

2019.06.09 • tweet

if i marry my counselor will i get a better letter of rec

2019.06.06 • tweet

Applying for a spot at Steervesant Academy and an internship with Fedex to hopefully get into a prestigious driving university, such as Carnegie Mellon, or Carvard.

2019.06.01 • tweet

fush n chup

2019.05.29 • tweet

Are you staying at the Spanish Court Hotel at 1 Saint Lucia Avenue, New Kingston, 0000 Kingston, Jamaica? ........ 'cause Jamaican me crazy!!!!

2019.05.23 • tweet

people out here claiming to be pro gay. imagine my disappointment when i find out that many of them are, in fact, merely amateur gays

2019.05.19 • tweet

hey, quick note to birds, in general:

fuck you

2019.05.17 • tweet

in the 2017 national spelling bee, after 3 consecutive years of co-champions, Rohan Rajeev and Ananya Vinay were 6 rounds from a tiebreaker when Rajeev misspelled 'marram.' there is no entry for 'marram' in the dictionary, but rather for 'marram grass' 🤔🤔🤔 #spellingbeeisrigged

2019.05.11 • tweet

my one regret is that i have no vagina to put jade eggs into

2019.05.08 • tweet

girl, are you british, because there's no colour in my life without u

2019.05.07 • tweet

the difference between the car of the past and the car of the future is that the car of the future is chrome

2019.05.01 • tweet

multiple waifus at once? yeah, i'm a polygamer

2019.04.30 • tweet

by the year 2050, baby names and prescription drug names will converge. you heard it here first, folks

2019.04.29 • tweet

so you're telling me that just because i didn't turn off my alarm after the first time it played, it gets to play again? this is some Bull Shit

2019.04.28 • tweet

all ducks are required to have the last name duck. that's just the law

2019.04.26 • tweet

subjunctive. what a #mood

2019.04.24 • tweet

i wonder what they called paper airplanes before paper was invented

2019.04.16 • tweet

my goal is to be peerful. as many peers as possible

2019.04.15 • tweet

one similarity between humans and piñatas is that they both burst open if you hit them with a bat too many times

2019.04.10 • tweet

my digital napkin keeps crashing

2019.03.28 • tweet

get started on the right foot with a beginning-of-life crisis

2019.03.27 • tweet

atlas dabbed

2019.03.23 • tweet

you can try to follow the laws of supply and demand, but i'm an irrational actor, Bitch

2019.03.15 • tweet

sorry, ladies, the only thing this paleontologist dates is fossils

2019.03.13 • tweet

in MLA 9, you always have to write out the full name of the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. it's more formal that way

2019.03.12 • tweet

ey bb, can i put my phallic imagery in your yonic imagery

2019.03.06 • tweet

i hope i studied enough for the intensive ACT prep course i'm trying to get into

2019.02.25 • tweet

i barely know her


you're gonna need a wrist strap if you wanna play with my Wiiner


my favorite kind of performance art is going to the library and reading a book


you can go your entire life without ever having your nose bitten


dude, i'm on acid right now. i can, like, see colors


the bible is the original case of sequelitis


ok, so the wheel has been invented... but does anyone really know how it works?


tambor lawrence has no decisions to make because she has made them all already


really trying to be multiple antichrists at the same time


if you close all your orifices, you can become homeomorphic to a brick wall


new catchphrase: "if it pee, let it be. if it poop, flush tha poop"


i can't wait to turn 18 so i can find out what this whole pornography thing is about


i can play john cage's 4'33" in under two minutes


cutting your own hair is cool because it's like self-harm but without all that pesky harm


turning off a frozen phone or computer feels so much like strangulation


band name: hellllamas


if u are in the center of the earth, every way is up


welcome to rock dot com (it's a rock)


AP Statistics 2018 Answer Key: Problem #4.

A government's congress has 575 members, of which 124 are women. An alien lands near the congress building and treats the members of congress as as a random sample of the human race. He reports to his superiors that a 95% confidence interval for the proportion of the human race that is female has a lower bound of 0.182 and an upper bound of 0.250.


my name is gilbert humprey gottfrieg, and i'm here to teach you about sex


there are 2 barbershops. one barbershop has a clean floor, clean mirrors, and the hairdresser has a recent haircut. the other one has messy floors and mirrors and the hairdresser hasn't had their hair cut in a while. however, the clean one has 3.9 stars on yelp and the dirty one has only 3.8. where do you go?


take a bow... and put it in yo hair!


thinking about getting boxes under my eyes


i had a milkshake. now im milk shook


peanut butter and belly


my wheel keeps reinventing itself what do i do


guys i found the moon


you can't hurt a yurt.


Find Out Your TRUE Personality!!! [question 2 of 5]

If you had a daughter, would you name her Turmeric? Why or why not?


i triple dog dare you to look directly at the sun


alberta, canada. imagine that.


there's no time like 10:24:22 pm, july 6 1992




mistook an alien for a peppermint and ate it. i can't feel my ears anymore. also i forgot what lemonade looks like. maybe this is how gods feel when they create new worlds


me: *highly intellectual meta-humor*

other human(s) present: *confusion, probably because they are fuckign stupid*


gingivitis. i had totally forgotten that was a word until now


sorry polymaths, but i like to keep it to one math at a time


if ur blind, every date u go on is a blind date. think about that


window is just another word for a transparent pane allowing you to see through a wall


not hipster, but i've had a unisex bathroom in my house for years. just sayin


not to brag but i just totally had a monster dump


if you think being green is hard, try being a shag carpet


no one can tell that you're bleeding when you're swimming in a pool of blood


the water cycle is not eligible for the presidency in 2020. any organization with the aims of putting the water cycle in office is unfortunately misguided


quiz: which type of pea are you?

(y/n) you like that boom boom pow

(y/n) them chickens jackin' your style

(y/n) they try to copy your swagger

(y/n) you live in a pod


oh no, i wanted to distinguish myself from the cyber-monkeys that have come to rule the earth, but i too have become a cyber-monkey


new 100% successful dating trick! get any girl you like! i call it the petrarch method


there's a certain sense of freedom that comes from driving to the store and buying two lemons


has anyone else noticed how pointy needles are


i've been noticing lately how many things look like inkblots


dianetics. a true cult classic


yolo! that's spanish for yol


chair book table is the most english sounding name ever


the bartender says, "why the long face?"

a tachyon wearing a horse mask walks into a bar face?


now imagine you're fucking a sheep

you fucking like that don't you


now the real question is, do fingers look like carrots or do carrots look like fingers


cool math fact: if the digits of a number add up to 1, the number is a power of 10


everyone riding dragons in movies but why are they so nonchalant about the risk of falling off


sugar cookies? as opposed to what


be careful who you call ugly in reindeer school


on ugly sweater day, tape a piece of paper to ur shirt that says "ur face"


in the beginning, there were two words: intro and duce. we added them together and called it introduce. this was revolutionary at the time.


i go to roly polytechnic


what is with those little metal rectangles on the bottoms of doors


been keeping tabs on my bread


LPT: eat 2000 spiders every year on january 1st to get it over with


some water flows, some water the flowers


let's play whack-a-mole

i'll be the mole and ur butt will be the mallet


secret to success on math tests: put the right numbers in the right places