notes

note 481

has anyone else noticed that there’s been a lot of omens lately? like, i saw a bird the other day that was kind of frowny. what’s up with that

note 480

no, YOU have a good day! kills you with my death beam

note 479

(gets down on one knee) do you want to be my friend

note 478

i just thought of the funniest thing. but i’m not going to tell it to you. that’s because if you laugh too hard a blood vessel in your brain will pop and you’ll die. i saw it in my crystal ball

note 477

i have no redeeming qualities. not that i’m a bad person or anything. i just wasn’t bad enough to need to redeem myself in the first place

note 476

i’m in a handbasket on a road paved with good intentions. all 20 of my eggs are in here too (they haven’t hatched). anyway what was i saying? oh yeah, has anybody seen my water bottle? it’s gotta be around here somewhere

note 475

i don’t have any fatal flaws. you can tell because i’m still alive

note 474

you know what really boils my blood? when people challenge my preconceived notions. i already thought of something and now you’re going to make me think another thing? come on

note 473

The Girl you just called fat? I shoved her into a locker. The Boy you called stupid, I killed his cat. The Girl you called ugly? I set her house on fire. The Boy you just tripped? I threw him into a river. Step up your game. Put this as your status once you’re better at bullying.

note 472

(at supervillain meeting) oh, you think you’re evil? well i only got TWO hours of sleep last night as i thought about my past atrocities.

note 471

i put the “u mad” in traumadumping

note 470

“age is just a number”? incorrect. age is just a word. the word is age

note 469

“my 2 braincells are bouncing around in my skull”? sorry, but you actually have billions. they’re just really stupid

note 468

two dudes, chillin in a hot tub. also kissing each other cause theyre gay

note 467

FDA trials discovered that submerging the lungs in soapy water cleans them, reliably curing COVID-19. unfortunately it kills you immediately, so we’re still looking for a solution

note 466

[on a first date] so like,, describe your ideal polyhedron

note 465

i am now wiggling around in an official capacity

note 464

“this, that and the other”? you kids are so spoiled these days. back in my day you only got this OR that—and the other wasn’t even invented yet!

note 463

if you thought QAnon was crazy get this. rumor has it that BILLIONS worldwide follow a shadowy figure known as “CAnon”, whose tellings are disseminated by interpreters of ancient works of writing

note 462

if sex is the “little death”, then call me immortal 😎