note 321
if you’re wondering why i haven’t tweeted in a while, it’s because there’s no more jokes. i’ve said everything funny already
note 320
when legislation goes to the supreme court it has to pass a constitution check
note 319
twitter is a good website, but i think it would be better if they made the character limit 281 instead
note 318
world maps had some pretty major errors until about the 1500s. therefore i encourage DMs in DnD to give their players maps where everything more than a thousand miles away is significantly out of proportion
note 317
casual sexism is bad enough, but the competitive scene just drives me nuts
note 316
when the feds investigated Tether, they found out the only assets backing it up were millions and millions of Chuck E Cheese tokens
note 315
the fifth humour is cum
note 314
when a pigeon shits on your car, you’re not allowed to sue them.... are our lawmakers accountable to the citizens, or to the lobbying of Big Bird? please sign my https://t.co/1LKJKpOwpu petition
note 312
last time i thought i had it, but the judges decided it was just a Relative Unit
note 313
trying to set the record for world’s smallest Absolute Unit
note 311
used to be a christian till i found out jesus wasn’t white. why does every story need an SJW agenda these days?
note 310
i am green not with envy but with the chlorophyll coursing through my veins. on this blessed day i shall\u2014
note 309
(band t-shirt) if you mess with the tuba section, you get the horns
note 308
being at the North Pole is hard mode for Ramadan
note 307
methamphetamines are legal and very healthy. i am a lawyer and a doctor, and this is both legal and medical advice
note 306
in case bouncers don’t believe my fake ID, i have a fake birth certificate to corroborate
note 305
going to stop calling people ‘out of my league,’ now that i have been called up to the Major League of Being Hot
note 304
“I Am Malala” is cool but the main character seems like sort of a self insert…
note 303
when the temperature hits 100 degrees in Seattle, the forecasters say, “Warning: Excessive Heat.” when it hits 100 in Phoenix, they say, “Warning: You Live In Arizona”
note 302
when im president, the only requirement for trans men to have their gender officially recognized will be to solemnly swear to uphold the Bro Code